The Truth About Knowing

For most of my life, I have believed that most things are better left unsaid. Complaints, excuses, and reasons for actions are better than dealing with the consequences. From everything I have experienced as a child and now a young adult, it's gotten easier to say that while ignorance is bliss, it does not solve or improve problems. I used to think it would all disappear if I stayed quiet or shut up about things. That the emotions, the feelings, and the trauma would find their way outside of my body and brain and that the damage would heal itself the same way a wound would. But as one knows, healing your mental health is easier said than done when it comes to physical wounds. I thought I could run away from it all and get as far as possible from the source of the pain that caused everything in my life to be as fragile as it is. But to no avail; running from your problems does not solve them; it only makes them grow bigger daily. I never thought I would find myself talking about this, even mentioning it out loud, I believed that this secret would be something I would take to the grave, but for the first time in a long time, I had a conversation with someone who understood me, and I never thought anyone could. I know I have a lot of healing I still need to do in my life, from friendships and relationships, from trauma and overall grief, but writing this just feels like a necessary step towards moving on. I have hurt a lot of people, I have made irrevocable decisions and choices that I cannot take back, and I know I still pay for them every day, and I am trying to heal so many different parts of myself to never do things like that ever again. I don't necessarily feel fit to love; I don't think I can fully understand it in a standard way or comprehend how people are supposed to love you, but I'm trying. I know my view and perception of love is fractured due to the molestation I faced as a child. For many long years, I endured something that I still am healing from today. I am still figuring out things in my life that I have never understood and attempting to unlearn and relearn the ways love is supposed to be shown and given. I want to be better.

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