Words

  It's been two years since I've felt the need to write my thoughts down. My mind has been plagued with existential dread that I can't get out of my head. The grey hairs that begin to line my mother's hairline more and more, or the way my friends have stopped dressing like we are still in high school. The thought of growing up has continued to sicken me more and more. The older I get, the less I begin to know about myself. I thought when I was 18 that feelings were fleeting and that nothing lasts forever, but I realized that's true only of the good things. I know I sound dumb to complain about how good my life is, about all the blessings I have. My parents are still together and alive, my friends love me, and I love them back. I still do well in school, even though I lost the passion for it a long time ago. I know I'm lucky, but I think I will always feel undeserving of it. I wonder if it is because of that parochial school mindset that is engraved into my brain...

I don’t have to say your name because everyone already knows it. I think we would be naive to think that we really were as secret as we had seemed to be. The girl with the green eyes is someone I will never forget. Green, green, green. In her eyes, in the way she dressed, in every single part of who she is. It would be ridiculous to think no one saw the way we saw each other. The endless days of after school fights and sitting in unknown corners of hallways and corridors. At the time, maybe they were ours. Maybe it wasn’t some illusion that I made up in my head. That when sat face to face and eye to eye there maybe truly was something there. This isn’t meant to expose you, I can’t even say your name. But I know you know everything that we did, we did in vain. I should’ve known from the beginning that you were so scared. I should’ve known then that I was too. That something we had was built to break and never meant to last. I would say it’s bittersweet but it is not, because while I...